On The Care And Feeding of Zombies (© Biswapriya Purkayastha)
Page 2 As part of the procedure for issuing your permit to own a
zombie, you and your family will have been asked to submit blood samples for a
DNA profile. Undead Industries® have programmed the nanobots that
inhabit your Undead TM zombie to recognise your family’s particular
DNA code as other nanobots. Accordingly, as far as direct attack and
resultant infection is concerned, you and your family are safe, but in a crisis
situation, as when the house is under attack by armed robbers, the Undead TM
zombie may have to act faster than its sensors can process information.
Also, friends of the family or non-blood relatives are not recognised by the
Undead TM zombie and they are liable to be attacked. This is an
especial hazard with young children of the family whose friends might drop in
unannounced, their presence unknown to and unsuspected by the adults. Accordingly,
please ensure that you keep the Undead TM zombie caged at all times
except when it may need to be used. In your own best interests, keep your Undead TM zombie
caged safely away. Also, please remember the signal fact that your Undead TM
zombie is not a robot or a cyborg. It is a human corpse, albeit one which
has been embalmed and treated with reagents which will very considerably slow
down the process of decomposition. However, decomposition cannot be completely
halted, and this is one reason why Undead Industries® urges you to avail
of the company’s semi-annual servicing and maintenance facility, available at a
nominal cost, with or without the recommended Upgrade Package. For details
please see our website. Because of this tendency to decompose, your Undead TM zombie’s
holding cage is refrigerated. Please refer to the relevant section of the
Handbook for instructions on the maintenance of the holding cage; all that will
be mentioned in this section is that the long-lasting power pack for the cage
is non-rechargable, but replacements are available from the company’s website
at standard rates, and that power packs manufactured by other companies are not
compatible with cages manufactured by Undead Industries®. Again, in
your Undead TM zombie’s best interests, it is advisable to keep
it in its cage at all times except when it actually needs to be used. Next, your Undead TM zombie is capable of
responding to a limited series of voice commands. Which particular commands it
is capable of understanding depends on the particular class and model you have
purchased, from approximately fifty for a Basic Class One model to upwards of
four hundred for the De Luxe Class Platinum version. The Undead TM zombie
is programmed to recognise and imprint on authorised voices as part of its
security features. You will, therefore, have to practice these commands along
with you family members while the Undead TM zombie is present, so
that it can imprint on your voice and respond only to commands issued by
authorised family members. The next point to remember is that you have been provided a
set of zombie handling tools and instructed in their use. These tools are meant
to secure and immobilise your zombie for routine bathing and cleaning, for
which, also, tools have been provided. Failure to bathe your zombie at least
once and preferably twice weekly with soap and warm water, followed by a
rubdown with Eternal Life TM scrubbing liquid (available at a
nominal rate from our website) may allow flies to lay eggs in its body
orifices, and cause significant and possibly irreparable damage from maggot
infestation. Please make sure that you, therefore, bathe your Undead TM zombie
accordingly and keep it clean. Then, it is important to remember that the zombie is not
a sex toy. Cases have been recorded where certain individuals have taken it
on themselves to have sexual relations with zombies. It is true that the
process of zombification causes a state of permanent erection in male zombies
and of nipple hardening and vaginal lubrication in female zombies, which gives
out a false appearance of sexual interest and availability. Also, it is true
that zombies are always completely nude because they cannot be kept adequately
clean if wearing clothing. Neither of these facts, however, allows for zombie
sex. [ Continue to page 3 ] |