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The Man Who Wanted To Die But Couldn't
(© Tony Sandy)

Page 1

Brian had wanted to die for ages.  He was tired of life - any life.  The day-to-day misery of endless repetition, the mindless work schedule, the TV repeats that mirrored his own predictable rhythms.  He was trapped in a rut of eternal blankness.  All the niggling aches and pains that eluded his consciousness in the past, now came knocking on his door, demanding the attention he wouldn't have given them yesterday:  It wasn't that his life was black which depressed him but just an unending, drab grey, lacking contrast and therefore interest.

When he first tried to kill himself, he thought the sleeping pills weren't strong enough to work (He'd torn up the suicide note afterwards and couldn't be bothered to write another one because of that - Goodbye cruel world!  Scratch that, indifferent world more like).

Next came the paracetamol, weedkiller, bleach etc.  After that he tried drowning himself.  Ah that peaceful lull from letting go  and giving into the sensation of water flooding your lungs but then he recognised it as the same old resigned state he was in anyway.  He coughed up the water, dried his clothes and just got on with his life again.  This was his first attempt at suffocation - then came the oven (the gas smelled and that was that, so up he got and turned it off).  He then tried sticking a plastic bag over his head, which was when he realised that he didn't need to breathe at all as it made no difference to his existence at all (He'd realised after the pills, he didn't need to eat or drink anymore either - just another pair of boring habits he could dispense with).

Hanging gave him a slightly sore throat for a few days.  Electrocution didn't kill him either (burnt the flesh round the contact point that was all,  which soon healed:  The tugging sensation of the electric current was momentarily interesting).  He tried setting fire to himself (His hair grew back in a few days).  The crusted tissue made walking difficult for a short while, reminding him of how as a child he'd got caked in frozen snow and had to stagger slowly home from the parish fields.  He'd looked an awful mess but decided that more drastic methods were called for.  The train made a terrible mess of his body but they could put this Humpty Dumpty back together again or at least something could.  The legs and ripped off arms reconnected themselves or grew anew.  The torn torso rejoined the abdomen and the spilled guts crawled back inside the open cavity:  Just like when he shot himself - the headache didn't last long and the deformed skull righted itself.  This had so infuriated him, he rushed into the sawmill and stuck his neck onto the spinning blade, totally decapitating himself, to the millworkers horror.  He then calmly picked up his head and walked out, knowing in the morning that it would be back on his neck, with a hardly a scratch mark to indicate anything untoward had happened.

His sister had tried to talk him out of his suicide attempts.

"What would mother think, if she was alive today?"


"You know it is a mortal sin to take your own life."

It had all gotten out of hand after that, leading to the climax of the train, which the authorities could no longer ignore.

"You've taken self-harm to a new level, young man!"

He'd managed to hide the other attempts quite diligently but his next door neighbour in the block of flats, had looked at him askance once or twice; the soaked the clothes, the rope mark round the neck - badly disguised with a scarf, the burnt clothes and body -

"The Turkey caught fire" was his feeble excuse to the nosey.

The neighbour had told his sister and how could the police miss him beheading himself?

It had started to dawn on Brian that all of this had woken a fiery passion in him (anger, frustration - even a growing amusement at his own failure to kill himself).  For the first time in years he not only felt 'himself' but truly 'alive,' despite his best attempts to play dead and roll over

"Woof, woof!" he exclaimed to the world because he was barking mad at life.

[ Continue to page 2 ]

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Genre:General Horror
Type:Short story
Rating:4.42 / 10
Rated By:20 users
Comments: 1 user
Total Hits:12141

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