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"Ay up, you kuffars," he shouted, in a strong British accent. "Anyone moves, and we blow the tosser’s ‘ead off before he gets done moving, you get me?"

"That’s right," another yelled, and fired a burst from his AK at the ceiling. Plaster rained down. The werewolf, terrified at the noise, crawled under the centaur’s belly, whimpering piteously. "You’ll listen to what Abu Kameron al Londoni said if you know what’s good for you."

"You bellends ‘ave it good here, innit?" Abu Kameron al Londoni surveyed the room from atop the table. "Live high on the hog on the proceeds of yer dealings with the devil, I shouldn’t wonder."

"Don’t use the word ‘hog’, Abu Kameron," the second ISIS jihadi called. "It’s haram. I mean, I do know your past history with the animal, but it’s still haram."

"Bloomin’ brilliant," Abu Kameron said, and shot the second ISIS man dead. "Nobody bloody tells me what I can say or can’t say. You hear?"

"What do you intend to do with us?" Dr Jekyll asked. His wife, by his side, clutched his arm in fear. Over in the corner, Miss Hyde was still rubbing herself on her centaur, oblivious. "Take us as hostages?"

"You’ll find out in a moment," Abu Kameron al Londoni said. "The Caliph, ‘e said about you that..."

"Everyone shut your eyes!" Euryale and Stheno screamed, and whipped off their caps. Snakes writhed and hissed and snapped at the air with their jaws. The Gorgons looked at the jihadis, expecting them to be turned to stone.

No such luck. "What a pair of twats," Abu Kameron al Londoni jeered. "What do they think we are, some chavs out of the EDL or something? In this day and age, they think we’re too fuckin’ ignorant to use anti-Medusa glasses." He tapped the eyewear. "Proper ace, this is."

Deflated, the two sisters put on their caps again. "I’m sorry," Stheno said to the room at large. "This was the best we could manage, and..."

"Now shut yer mouf an’ listen," Abu Kameron began. "I was sayin’ that the Caliph, ‘e passed sentence on you. ‘E thinks it’s time you abominations were removed from the world, and we’re here to do it."

"Nooooot if we have anythingggggg to dooooo with it, you woooooon’t," the zombie moaned. "You’ve jussssssst ruuuuuined my ssssupper, and I wassssss beginning to get huuuuuuungry."

"I’ve also had enough of these morons defaming the Arab world," the mummy announced. "In my day, we’d have them impaled." Side by side, they advanced towards the ISIS men.

"Shoot, you twits," Abu Kameron al Londoni yelled at the other ISIS men, suiting himself to his words. Bullets slashed across the room. The mummy, who had stepped swiftly in front of the zombie, took the brunt of the bullets, but continued unfazed. A moment later, he’d dragged Abu Kameron down from the table and began strangling him with his own black flag.

The zombie, meanwhile, had taken down a second ISIS man and was busily biting his head off, making a noise that almost sounded like a word. It sounded as though he was saying "Braaaaaainssss."

With that, a switch seemed to have turned on in the room. The werewolf dashed out from under the centaur and threw himself at an ISIS man, taking a half magazine of bullets in the chest as he did so. Since none of the bullets was silver, they didn’t affect him at all. In less time than it takes to tell of it, the ISIS attack was done, and the ghouls were clearing up the remains.

"You two saved us all," Mrs Jekyll said, hugging the zombie and the mummy. "How can we thank you?"

"No thanks will be necessary," the Pharaoh announced grandly. "It’s all in a day’s work. However, my friend here could do with a little more appreciation. Zombies are people too, you know."

"I think it’s great how you stepped in the way of the bullets fired at my husband," Mrs Romero said, hands clasped under her chin in hero-worship.

"It was nothing," the mummy said. "I was in no danger whatsoever. As I was saying when we were so rudely interrupted, being undead is a little different for your husband and me." He jerked a withered thumb back over his shoulder. "All my vital organs, you see, are in the canopic jars with my attendants, over there."

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