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The Most Rediculous Horror Story Ever
(© Biswapriya Purkayastha)

Page 1

I came out of the building Ė the town hall, they called it Ė and into the light of the full moon. The village lay all around me, silent. There was not a sound. Surely not everyone could be sleeping? It was only midnight. Then where were the people? Where were the neighbours visiting each other, the lovers sighing in the moonlight, the drinking buddies wending their way home from their poker games? Where was everyone?

I knew the answer, of course; they were all cowering in fear, fear of the Creature on the prowl. That was why they had hired me, to rid them of the menace. I, Puffy the Vampire Slayer, known throughout the land as the killer of the creatures of the night.

Yes, I, Puffy the Vampire Slayer, who has rid the world of a score of vampires and has thirty-seven fangs studding her belt Ė one of the vampires had been fangless, having been to the dentist just before I got to him (I wasnít to know, was I?) and another suffered, letís say, significant oro-facial damage in the process of being killed. Puffy the Vampire Slayer, who has a website offering her services (at the very top rates, of course) and a wall (only for private viewing) in her top-floor penthouse decorated with zombie scalps. You may have seen the adverts on TV or in your favourite magazine.

Are you troubled by the successors of Count Dracula? Are zombies trying to eat you alive? When the going gets tough, Puffy gets going! Log on to Puffyvampirekiller.com or call 1800-BLOODMASSACRE! Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Yes, Puffy, thatís me.

I stepped out firmly into the middle of the village square, waiting for the Creature to come to me. My costume was in the very best movie tradition: black leather top, moulded so tight across the chest that it held my breasts up and my nipples erect; black leather pants, again so tight that they cut into my various clefts; and thigh-high boots. I held my streaked hair back with a clasp in the shape of a crucifix, all the better to deter vampires with, as was my garlic necklace (an odoriferous and unfortunate necessity). Itís a pity, Iíve always thought, that my employers demanded I dress the part. Left to myself Iíd have done the job perfectly adequately in an old sweater, slacks and sneakers, and been more comfortable about it too.

Over my shoulder hung my trusty crossbow, which fired stakes set to home in on vampire hearts. At my belt were solar grenades, made to emit light as brilliant as the sun. If this were an antizombie mission, Iíd have been carrying heavy ordnance, including a submachine gun, a bazooka and a flame-thrower at the least, and Iíd certainly not have been on foot. But this Creature wasnít a zombie, so all I carried by way of firearms was a 9mm revolver at my hip...and that loaded with some rather special ammunition. I did not anticipate having to use it.

"Hey, you," I called. "Youíve been biting the throats out of the local populace long enough. Come out and fight like a...whatever."

Nothing happened, except that the moon seemed to somehow grow larger and more portentous. This was strange, because usually the moon seems to shrink as it rises into the sky. The shadows shrunk but grew darker and full of hidden menace. I shivered suddenly, fighting off an attack of incipient nerves.

Maybe I needed a holiday, I thought. Certainly, I could afford one. Yes, with the bonus from tonightís work Iíd go off to Rio, I decided. A couple of weeks soaking up the sun on Copacabana beach, and a few good rolls in the hay with some tourist hunk, and Iíd be as good as new.

I stood in the middle of the square and scanned the rooftops and the shadows. Iíd been right up there just now, scanning the streets. In the afternoon Iíd come up and put cameras and recorders at various points, so that nothing could enter or leave the village without my being aware of it, unless it came and went by the drains, and the Creature I sought was, I was sure, too large and fastidious even to think of using the drains.

What my cameras and recorders had just told me, up in my rooftop vantage point, was that something was in the streets. Something that stayed in the shadows, out of reach of the direct focus of the lenses, and slipped silently from lane to lane, and was on the prowl for prey. It was there all right, somewhere not far from me. I could feel it watching me, gauging when it would be safe to attack. It would have a big surprise.

[ Continue to page 2 ]

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Information
Genre:General Horror
Type:Short story
Rating:6.22 / 10
Rated By:35 users
Comments: 2 users
Total Hits:8239

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