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Announcer: Was that your last encounter, on Monday?

Roman (laughing): Hell, no! That was just Monday mornin'! By noon we was hip-deep in more of them motherfuckers. This time they were after a buncha people hidin' out in a church. The preacher, he comes out and raises his arms and starts sayin' somethin' about "the Good Lord," but the Good Lord musta been on the other line, 'cause he didn't take the call and these dead people just pulled that preacher down off the steps and laid into him. They ate his ass right there on the church steps.

Announcer: You saw this?

Roman: Yep. We were workin' our way toward him to try and save his dumb ass, but they got to him first. My guys cleared a path to him, though- right up to the steps. Then he sits up, and he ain't got no face no more and half his arm's gone and he looks at me with the one eye he's got left and he opens his mouth and growls at me and I let him have it: I put one right through his eye. One of my guys, he kinda laughs and says, "And another born-again Christian is dead again." And we all just started laughin'. Not because we was being sacrilegious or nothin', but because we was in a really fucked up situation and here was this crazy shit happenin' and it seemed real funny to us at the time.

Announcer: Incredible, just incredible.

Roman: Hell, that ain't all. That ain't all. We get to the door of the church and we're bangin' on the door tryin' to get 'em to let us in and all of a sudden the door opens up and these people -and they're still alive, now-, these fuckin' people start walkin' past us and they're walkin' up to these dead people and puttin' their fuckin' arms around 'em and these dead people just start in on 'em- rippin' 'em to fuckin' bits! And we start backin' off, tryin' to get back to our vehicles, and we're firin' as we go and we see some of these church folks gettin' up after they've been killed and all of a sudden we're shootin' everybody who ain't wearin' a green uniform and we just barely made it outta there!

Announcer: Unbelievable!

Roman (laughs): That's what I thought at the time, y'know? So we pull out and we radio in and tell 'em it's a loss and I look back as we're leavin' and the last thing I see is these fuckin' dead people sittin' around like it was the last supper or somethin', eatin' all them good God-fearin' folks who opened the church doors for 'em.

Announcer: Just, just incredible. And that brings us to today?

Roman: Well, there was last night, too.

Announcer: Last night…?

Roman: Yeah, we got a call to get a buncha folks out of a video store, if you can believe that shit. Dead people are walkin' the fuckin' streets lookin' for anything on two feet and these assholes are goin' to the fuckin' video stores!

Announcer: Now that's incredible.

Roman: Tell me about it. Anyway, I'm against goin' in after 'em. I mean, if they're that fuckin' stupid, y'know…? I tell my men we gotta go save these dumb asses and they're arguin' that we oughtta just radio in and say we tried and forget about it. I mean, we're riskin' our fuckin' lives just 'cause these idiots wanna watch teevee while shit's goin' down the goddamn tubes, you know? And I'm against it. I don't wanna die tryin' to save somebody who's gonna sit around on his ass watchin' teevee while all this shit's goin' on.

Announcer: That's understandable.

Roman: Thank you. Anyway, we got our orders, so we carry 'em out. We go to this place and it's in a strip mall and it's one of those shitty fuckin' stores where the goddamn clerks're all zombies anygoddamnway and we're jokin' we ain't gonna be able to figure out who's a fuckin' zombie and who ain't and we pull up and these zombies are all lined up beatin' on the fuckin' windows and these're them shatterproof windows and it looks like a typical fuckin' crowd, y'know? We can see the clerks and the customers in there, hidin' back behind the shelves wavin' at us like we was a buncha customers and it wasn't time to open up yet or somethin'. So I'm laughin' my ass off, because this is the funniest shit I've ever seen in my fuckin' life, and my men start laughin' and the next thing we know, these zombies are all turnin' around to look at us. And- get this shit!- we start pointin' at the video store and the fuckin' zombies turn around and go back! THEY FUCKIN' WENT BACK!!

(Laughter.)

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