On The Care And Feeding of Zombies (© Biswapriya Purkayastha)
Page 1 Congratulations on your decision to acquire an Undead TM
zombie. We feel confident that your genuine Undead TM zombie
will give you many years of excellent service and you will feel completely
satisfied with your purchase. However, before you begin utilising the services of your
Undead TM zombie, there are some things you need to know, in order
to avoid danger to yourself and your family, and damage to your newly acquired
property. Before you unpack your zombie from its travelling crate and confine
it in its holding cage, therefore, please read these instructions carefully and
follow them exactly. While your Undead TM zombie is
guaranteed against manufacturing defects, failure to follow these instructions will
render the guarantee null and void. The first thing to remember is that your Undead TM zombie
is a delicate piece of work created to a very high standard. Unlike zombies
supplied by our competitors, it is built to a standardised design, and comes
with features designed to ensure your safety and the zombie’s own longevity.
These features are common to all Undead TM zombies, of all classes
and models, and are regularly updated to ensure your security. You are strongly
urged to avail of our economical Update Package, with six-monthly servicing,
repair and upgrades of your Undead TM zombie to keep it at the state
of the art. For details please see our website For the particular additional features unique to your
particular class and model of Undead TM zombie, please see the Features
section of the handbook. This section is devoted to basic upkeep and
maintenance. To return to the point, your Undead TM zombie has
been created in accordance with the very highest standards, and requires
adequate care to be able to give the best satisfaction. It is not a crude basic
model, like those advertised by our competitors, still less one of those
brought into being by one of the illicit DIY kits available online and through
certain channels. Your Undead TM zombie is like a piece of highly
tuned, immaculate machinery, and requires you to keep it in good working order. At all times, keep in mind the fact that your own safety is
of the utmost importance. Before your purchase was authorised and you were
issued a permit, you will have had to undergo a Zombie Handling Course, during
which you will have been trained in the techniques of using a zombie in the
average domestic situation. However, the salient points bear repeating, and
with particular modifications as they apply to your Undead TM zombie. The first thing you need to remember is that your Undead TM
zombie is not a toy or a pet. It is a domestic and personal security
device, created out of a cadaver secured for the purpose, and potentially
extremely dangerous to yourself and the rest of your family. The procedure for
manufacturing an Undead TM zombie involves introducing millions of
self-replicating nanobots into its system, which animate and control it
according to programmes pre-installed in their collective memory. These
nanobots are programmed, among other things, to look after their own survival and
propagation, and they can detect the electromagnetic field of other nanobots.
This need inherent in the nanobots to propagate themselves causes the Undead TM
zombie to have an uncontrollable desire to bite and claw anyone its
senses do not recognise as a fellow nanobot carrier. [Note: For this reason, the classic Living Dead movie
act of destroying a zombie’s brain has no effect at slowing down a Undead TM
zombie. The nanobots infest the entire nervous system of the Undead TM
zombie, inhabiting every nerve synapse, and even an amputated limb will
continue to make all efforts to claw at any unprotected human who comes within
range. This is one of the features which contribute so highly to the longevity
and utility of your Undead TM zombie and make it so cost-effective. Also
note that by international law, these nanobots have been rendered incapable of
tertiary infestation, meaning that while they can and will turn anyone bitten
by your Undead TM zombie into a zombie, anyone further bitten by that
zombie will not receive viable nanobots in their system.] [ Continue to page 2 ] |